I am a good reader
The Edmund human reads what he thinks are the important papers, like the New York Times, The Sun, Wall Street Journal, and he even reads the New York Post.
The Weekly World news covers the important issues.
Evil Mole People! They found lots of evil mole people in Wyoming. They speak English suprisingly well & they HATE Americans.
MAD MOUSE DISEASE!!! Worse than mad cow! I am going to make sure that any mice I eat are definitely sane.
And Aliens are here only to get our Krispy Kremes.
Don't you worry. I will keep you abreast of any other breaking stories!